if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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