Cold hands, warm shart.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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