i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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