once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
