Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
