all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My ATM looks so different sober.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
