I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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