Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
