i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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