My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
There's always time for handjobs
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
where are my eyebrows?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
