I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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