You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
