it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
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