I puked a lego.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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