our cab driver is having phone sex.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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