she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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