this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
