I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
