Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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