Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
