I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Randomize
