please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
