I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
