you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
