the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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