Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
