I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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