That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
