so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
