just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
