Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
