Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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