So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
