I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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