I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
