sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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