____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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