well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Randomize
