how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
