I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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