If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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