What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
