WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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