i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I licked your asshole in confidence.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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