Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Randomize
