I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
