When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
