I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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