Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
