Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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