OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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