Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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