Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
