So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Randomize
