started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
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According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
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I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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