my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
3 2 1 whiskey
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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