I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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