I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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